I had a phone message when I got home tonight that one of my original YW friends (meaning, I met her on the YWBB when I was first crowned a YW, so she's further out than me) is getting remarried.
Patty is a wonderful woman. Around 50ish, very pretty, very funny. Lives in Kentucky. Her husband Phil, a jazz musician and dj in Louisville, dropped dead of heart attack in his early 50s. They, like all of us, had a great marriage. She had teenage girls who are now in college. She met a YWidower on our Maine weekend three years ago and they've been together ever since. He was an older guy (meaning he was gray and kind of weatherbeaten looking) but seemed very nice. I am really happy for Patty. This guy, whose name is odd enough that I won't post it, is the only guy she's dated in the six years she's been in the club (as it were).
I have such mixed feelings. I'm so happy for Patty but I wonder for myself whether I'm making the right choices by feeling like such a match isn't right for me right now. I do feel like I have way too much on my plate to consider such a set-up in so many ways, but at the same time I had this strange sense of failure that perhaps this is something I should be striving for, because Curtis and Michelle and Patty have found something that works--why do I believe that it's really not an option for me right now?
I know I feel like I have so much to lose and that I don't want to expose my kids to more potential loss. I don't want to think about someone else in my house or personal space or trying to run my life. But yet... I really liked being married. I liked waking up with Alan. I liked hearing him in the bathroom before we went to sleep. I liked smelling when he had coffee going and I liked making him dinner.... marriage is good.
I used to think that I wanted to be remarried as soon as possible. And then I thought "never, too much chance for loss" and not I feel like my permafrost might be melting a bit when I see that it can be possible. It's odder still to be close to someone who feels very right, and yet I know that's something that's way off the table for both of us (for very different reasons--obviously.)
That's my ramble for the night.
Does this all sound bizarre?
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5 comments:
I think it's easy to compare yourself to someone else, especially when you've shared a life experience as profound as the death of a spouse. But, everyone has his/her own path to follow. Some of us will find partners again and others may choose a different way to feel fulfilled. Personally, I miss being Jeff's wife but I'm not ready to create a space for anyone else just to be married. Of course it pains me deeply to be without a mate in this paired up world. It can feel very lonely. Sometimes when I hear about a widow remarrying it makes me feel like I'm not as far along with my grieving as I should be. At times I feel incensed that others can move on and love someone the way I still love Jeff. It's all very confusing.
Karen, what a wise and thoughtful response. Thank you. Maybe what you write is exactly what I was feeling--that I'm not "as far along as I should be". Yet I do think we all need to give ourselves credit for getting out of bed every day, which is an accomplishment, and then every other daily accomplishment that goes along with that. With all we do, we each follow our own path and we figure out what's right for ourselves. I can't bear the idea of someone else being in the place where Alan deserves to be, especially in a paternal role. As much as I wish my kids had a living father, I don't want to "replace" Alan, as impossible as that would be.
I think the fact that you feel this way, i.e. perhaps wanting more, is a sign that maybe your friend is simply "Mr. Right Now" and not Mr. Right. I truly believe that when you are really ready you will meet that person and I know Alan is pulling for you b/c he doesn't want you to be by yourself forever either.
And your back up plan can be to move into my beach compound in 20 years, although be advised if I'm still single, I plan on having 20 something boyfriends....
Beach compound and 20-year-olds named Giacomo, here I come!
Not a 20 year old Giacomo - by then we'll surely have him upgraded!!
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