A Letter......

Dear XXX,

In the beginning, when you died, it seemed like I was feeling a little bit of everything: a little bit hurt, a little bit betrayed, and a little bit guilty. After a few weeks of thinking, I was finally able to conclude that I didn’t really feel anything. I don't feel anything because I don’t think I did anything wrong, well, at least not intentionally.

I thought what we had was perfect. But this doesn’t imply that I did everything right. Maybe it’s my ego - I never blame myself for anything, and I certainly don’t blame myself for loosing you. I am probably wrong in saying this, but I blame you for everything. I will hopefully come to my senses someday and be able to accept your death and move on, but for now I absolutely believe that it was all your fault, and that it was you who betrayed me and not the other way around.

And so I don’t feel guilty and there isn’t anything I feel like I could have done differently that might have saved us; and since it became clear to me that I wasn’t feeling guilty, the only reason I could attribute for the pain that I was feeling inside was that I was feeling betrayed. So I decided to look for internet love. I didn't want to do all the things that people usually do when they lose a loved one, but I rationalized since you were dead you wouldn't care if I put my profile on Match.com and started dating 5 months after you died.

I started to think that maybe the best way to get over your death was to just ignore you. I thought that maybe if I pretended you never existed, that your death wouldn't effect me at all. I knew that I was capable of pulling this one off. I knew that I could easily give everyone the impression that I was over you. This seemed like the best way to react. Since then (at least in my mind), I have stood by this plan.

But I don’t want to end our relationship this way. I will still say that I never faked it and everything I said I felt was real. I think I am a pretty good looking - a woman who draws stares when she crosses a room - smart, and I know there will be many more men in my life. Like they say "there are plenty of fish in the ocean." I know that just like I can never understand why you died, you can also never understand my need to pretend it didn't happen. I know there are many more good times yet to come (I mean with other men).

Yours,
J